Congratulations on your astute decision to purchase of one of our fine range of gazebos. You will be the envy and toast of all your friends at this summer’s garden party for your wise choice. We wish you many happy hours of delirious enjoyment of our status enhancing product. Here are a few pointers to help in the acquisition and erection of you new gazebo.
1 Don’t do this. It’s really, really, not a good idea to do this.
2 We told you not to do this. Go back to point 1 immediately.
3 OK. You’re dead set on doing this against our advice. Remember, we warned you not to do this. But since you won’t listen, here’s what you need to do.
4 Choose a gazebo on line by the colour of the awning. Don’t worry about silly details like stability, weight and so on. Details are for wimps.
5 Arrange second mortgage to fund the purchase of anything that might stand a chance of staying erect for more than seven minutes.
6 Stay indoors for the next 168 hours to await delivery of your Gazebo. You’d rather be out enjoying the sunshine? We thought you were buying this thing to keep the sun off.
7 On receipt of your gazebo, check the contents carefully for damage without opening the box.
Opening the box will definitely completely invalidate the warranty. But if there’s anything missing when you do open it remember, we did tell you to check it.
8 Set aside a minimum of 14 hours for the erection of your new gazebo.
9 On no account attempt to erect the gazebo on your own. It is extremely foolish to attempt to erect the gazebo on your own. Are you listening? Assemble the following team to assist you. Four Olympic gold medal winning weightlifters; two chartered civil engineers; fourteen town planners (to control the traffic within at least a seven mile radius of ground zero); six neighbours (two to comment on your progress, two to make tea in relays and two stretcher bearers – on second thoughts make that eight neighbours – better have two more stretcher bearers in reserve); one town crier with (to warn people away from the area. In the event that you are unable to locate a town crier a hand bell choir may be substituted; in the absence of both a town crier and a hand bell choir, as a last resort an air raid warning siren might sometimes suffice); one fully lawyer fully qualified in the laws of your local jurisdiction; one professor of nuclear astrophysics with a double PhD from Harvard in advanced mathematics; one retired hearing dog.
10 Where’s your team? We definitely told you not to attempt this alone, didn’t we? Didn’t we just say that?
11 OK, it seems you’re intent on doing this alone and wrecking the gazebo, not to mention endangering your life. Got the dog? Good. You definitely on no account can do this without the retired hearing dog. The dog is vital to yelp encouragement, look at you quizzically when you scream in pain on trapping your fingers. He will also sleep helpfully in the sunshine while you get on with the assembly for the next fourteen hours.
12 Visit the lawyer. Confirm their credentials. Make your will.
13 Assemble the following equipment: antiseptic wipes; large pack of plasters; industrial quantity of bandages; surgical truss; hammer; nails; saw; superglue; fork lift truck; JCB; thermonuclear device of your own choosing.
14 OK, we were just kidding about the thermonuclear device. A smart bomb will do fine.
15 Unpack the box and lift out the frame, remembering it weights 1.7 metric tonnes. Not got the forklift truck? OK. Just keep the surgical truss close by you.
16 Check the colour of the awning. Is it blue? It definitely has to be blue. You won’t be able to assemble this gazebo if it’s not blue.
17 Lift the frame to a standing position with the JCB. You didn’t get the JCB? You’re kidding aren’t you? Please tell us you’re kidding.
18 OK, now it’s vertical, place you feet a minimum of eight feet apart and gently pull the frame open.
19 We said gently, idiot!
20 You’ve got the frame slightly open? Great. Walk round and round the partially open gazebo admiring your handiwork. While you’re doing this, try to figure out how to get it fully open. Tell us if you think you can see how to do it. We never really quite worked that one out ourselves.
21 Hey! You did it. What a star! Do want a job teaching people how to erect gazebos?
22 Next open the awning. It is blue isn’t it? Cool. Congratulations on your astute purchase of a blue awning. Now, drape the awning over the top of frame and kind of pull it a bit this way and that way until it kind of fits. You want an exact fit? Oh OK. Call the professor of nuclear astrophysics over; the one with the double PhD in maths. He might be able to figure out how to do it. We never did.
24 Hey, wow! The awning’s on the top of the gazebo. How did you do that? Can we send someone round to take notes? Some of our other customers might like to know how to do that too.
25 So we’re finished now aren’t we? What’s that you say? You mean you’re expecting people over three feet tall to use this gazebo? You didn’t say. Why didn’t you say? We’d never have got into this in the first place if you’d said you wanted really, really tall people to use it.
26 So that the gazebo can be used by really, really tall people over three feet high, you need to kind of edge it up all four legs at the same time. Get the Olympic gold medal winning weight lifters to stand one at each corner and lift simultaneously. Simultaneously means all at the same time. We told you you’d need those weight lifters, didn’t we?
27 Good grief. It’s up. How did you do that? We really, really need to know how you did that. And no help? You did have the dog, though, didn’t you? You’d never have managed it without the dog.
28 Now it’s up and you’re confident you can do this for real. So it’s time to take it down again. You do know how to take it down, don’t you? Oh brother. You mean you need instructions for that too? Heck, man, what do you expect for £12,000?
29 Alright, just ease it down carefully and mind your fingers. We said mind your fingers!
30 OK, now it’s down you have to get it in the bag and load it into the car.
31 You did check it would fit in the car, didn’t you?